Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Hindsight teaches wonderful lessons.
I’m coming to the end of a season. As usual I find myself reflecting on the season. Hoping that it will help somebody some day, I’m sharing some raw lessons learnt.
I have come to realise that life can often exist of two elements that are in tension with one another. Thankfulness and disappointment take the form of a yoyo, fighting for attention. Similar pairs exist: contentment and desire; trust and entitlement; humility and selfishness…
My season has been filled with grace, community, laughter, provision and goodness. Yet, there has also been loneliness, disappointment and stubbornness on my part. That is normal. We are human. Life, yes, does have some sad and mundane aspects. We can’t be winning gold or climbing a mountain every day. But, what I have learned, is that if we dwell on these and remember only the bad, or only the good, we become blind sighted.
In my case, I became grumpy and cynical (more on that one here).
As I sat down tonight to ask God to reveal the fruit he has been growing in this time, I picked up my journal and found so many wonderful lessons that have been woven into this season.
1. I am NOT my season:
My season has less friends but I am not friendless.
My season may be less outwardly exciting but I am still outgoing.
My season may be quiet but I am not unfulfilled.
My season may involve future-figuring but I am not the figure of my future – God is!
My season may be in architecture but I am not wholly for architecture.
2. True Vocation and Trust
“I was made for Jesus. I was made for heaven.”
When everything is stripped away, including our vocation, we have nothing left to do but to sit and wait. This is different to our known, organised waiting that always prepares ahead of time. It involves resting and listening to God quietly and gradually, loosing our agenda completely. True trust is to wait and not plan; not chasing the next option or even knocking on a door. I have learnt that what matters is the slow private life we live when no-one or nothing grabs our attention. I am loved and my gifts were made holy by Jesus. My gifts themselves are not my purpose or holiness, but the means by which God chooses to display my holiness. Each day is God’s day and plan. I will sit at his feet and dwell with him with nothing left to give other than my heart and my soul.
15 year old me dreamed of leaving home, heading to a beach town and spending time hanging out with Jesus. This was of course envisioned as an exotic adventure. 7 years later, a pandemic forces me home. One day I stubbornly headed to the beach for a walk in boredom and started listening to the bible on a podcast. Eureka! I am literally living my dream. God has graciously and unexpectedly (North Sea wild swimming style) answered that prayer. The lesson? May I never let my future or present desires take away the gratitude for what He has already done!
I am not a failure. I am not worthless. I am the prodigal daughter deemed worthy of celebration as I stumble back into the loving arms of my heavenely Father…
In haste as the world began to go back to normal, I found myself off in pursuit of adventure, friendship and pleasure. Yet, as is normal in this life, I faced disappointments. I ventured off for wild reunions and returned exhausted, realising that the adventures I’d chased just weren’t as good or fulfilling as I had imagined or remembered.
Yes, they were still joyful! But, by taking my control and rushing off, I had left behind the restful status of being God’s child. I had gone astray, forgetting to spend time with my creator.
I choose to return and surrender. I choose to stumble back to him with my negative mindset, tiredness and imperfection. I come, accused by the enemy who tells me I’m worthless and ungrateful. From a distance, God pulls me into an embrace, places a robe on me and calls for a celebration.
A New Season Awaits
God is faithful and I know the next season will continue to be full of lessons and joys! Yet, if anything, this season has taught me that I am not entitled to constant fun, happiness or ease. One day, heaven will be like that with no pain. But until then, I must acknowledge that what I have in Jesus is enough and I must learn to desire nothing more than to know him. Every time that I have fixated on all the dreams, pleasures and adventures that I desire, I have only found myself restless, disappointed and missing something. That something, I find in Jesus when I stop to thank him in the naturally unfolding goodness and devote my heart to him.
What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul? Matthew 16:26
Thanks for reading, I hope it teaches you something.
What lessons have you been learning in this season?
In our worship and gratitude, we pour out an alabaster jar of perfume over Jesus, and we see his kingdom reviving as we do so. It is our duty and privilege to worship.
“Rejoice always, pray at all times, be thankful in all circumstances, for this is what God wants from you in your life in union with Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians. 5:16-18
What happens when the world is crashing down, or life is fragile? What happens when we are just waiting and waiting for answers? When worship is hard, how do we respond?
Just over a month ago, the beautiful Hannah Montagu suffered a bleed on the brain and was given just 2 days to live. Such a crisis is devastating. Within days, Hannah’s story had gone viral and hundreds were joining her family on zoom to both worship and pray.
There is something profound about joining in worship together in crisis. We found God meeting us, granting strength and reviving faith.
Amazingly, Hannah began to breathe. She began to move and respond to stimuli. Despite the doctors doubting any possible recovery, we are still meeting today, witnessing small miracle after small miracle. Hallelujah! We fully believe Hannah will wake up and be completely healed.
Joining this community daily has been an honour. We have learnt what it is to fully entrust all things to Jesus, who has daily provided supernatural miracles. Most profoundly, we have seen the power of worship. As we come and pour out our hearts in praise for who God is (even in the beginning when we couldn’t see it), we are corporately pouring out the alabaster jar of perfume as God’s presence overflows.
As we worship, we also cry out and God hears us. We see God do great things and break chains. If you want to hear more about this, you can follow prayer updates from Hannah’s family on Instagram.
Lately, in my own life, I’ve struggled to worship. We are still in a pandemic and I’d hoped that it would be over by now. However, I find myself in a season of complete waiting, at home, with no plan.
I didn’t quite expect ‘flexibility’ to mean just sitting and waiting.
Don’t get me wrong, this waiting season has been wonderful. I’ve been able to join the Hannah zooms. I’ve found space and time to be creative. I’m developing who I am made to be and rejoicing in that.
I have so much to be thankful for but daily, I wake up feeling hopeless. Yet each morning, as I lay down my agenda, open the bible and start to rejoice in who God says He is, I find the truest hope of all.
We have a perfect God who has freed every broken heart to know love. We have a God who does answer prayer – He has and will do great things.
As the days go by, I find myself surrounded by online communities, unexpected mail from friends, testimonies of miracles, joy and laughter… God is good!
I’m learning that the reality of living in God’s Hesed, is surrendering day by day, to his new mercies.
Resting in God’s Hesed love, means completely entrusting ourselves to him. It also means believing that we lack nothing where we are, and therefore, rejoicing.
It’s important to acknowledge that life is not always easy. It’s ok to feel burdened or down in such a difficult pandemic. Feeling this way is not wrong! Worship is a duty, but it’s not a burden. Rejoicing is a discipline that benefits us.
I have felt ashamed and disappointed in myself for failing to feel joyful. But God simply gives me his love. As I trust who He is, I can sit at his feet. Some days I’m full of praise, and others, I simply just pray a single bible verse over and over. At times I simply just have to remember ‘God is faithful.’
Every time, Jesus welcomes me closely.
In our gratitude and worship we are pouring out an alabaster jar. Whilst worshipping, God gave me this sweet image: as I poured out an alabaster jar of perfume over Jesus in my worship, Jesus simultaneously poured his living water slowly, down over my head, smoothing down my hair. I felt the weight of it slowly pouring, renewing me with love and care.
God is not a passive God who just soaks up our worship from a distance. As we pour out our thanksgiving, Jesus pours out his love, kindness and grace.
“Those who are weary, those who are burdened, be still. He’s singing over you… Those who are hurting, come with abandon. Lose the agenda, you are all He needs.” Bekah Sarah
We don’t need to hide away our weariness. Worship is not about staying positive. We offer our whole heart and choose to declare the (sometimes unseen) goodness that the bible tells us is truth. Worship is counting our blessings (practically, through gratitude journals and other disciplines) in all circumstances and seasons. As we erupt in this worship, we encounter Jesus.
Listen to Bekah’s song – I found it beautifully sums up what I’m trying to say.
We are still in a pandemic. We may not understand, but we can still be thankful. The grass probably is much greener on the other side, but don’t discredit the good and faithful God who is at work today! Open your heart to that and let Jesus comfort you in the lows.
Rejoice always – but also, pray at all times. Cry out. Then thank him for all the times he’s answered before.
2020 was the year of ‘hesed,’ and so is 2021.
Hesed is a Hebrew word for which we have no English equivalent. Hesed is a corporate, loyal, faithful, steadfast, tender covenant love. Hesed is more than a feeling. Hesed is an active loyalty, blessing and expression God’s covenant with us. It has power and backbone.
God shows his hesed to thousands of generations. (Exodus 20:5-6)
Reflecting on 2020, I can see parallels with Ruth’s story in the bible. And I can see God’s hesed.
Flexibility in a U-turn Disaster
The story of Ruth is about a loyal foreigner who in disaster, turned to God despite it being against all common sense. In God, Ruth finds blessing, love and faithfulness.
Ruth’s husband dies and so does her father-in-law and brother-in-law. The story is set way back in history, so to lose your husband was to lose your livelihood, identity, worth and status. In such a disaster, Ruth’s mother-in-law, Naomi, decided to move back to her original homeland, Judah.
Ruth was from Moab and so Naomi encouraged her to stay where she was. For Ruth, the most ‘sensible’ option was to stay put, ‘deal with the disaster’ and strive to make her life better by finding a new husband. This was the easy, common sense option.
However, Ruth does not choose the easy option. She says to Namoi, ‘No, I will come with you. I will keep you company. I will live wherever you choose to live. I will stay where you stay. Your God will be my God.”
Ruth showed loyal hesed to Naomi. Moving to Judah would make Ruth a foreigner as well as a desperate widow – even worse! There was no imaginable way that moving to Judah would solve the disaster.
Ruth was flexible in the uncertainty. She was obedient and surrendered control over her disaster. Stepping into a life that may even cause more disaster, Ruth was flexible to God’s unseen plan.
Eventually, after moving and searching for employment, things get better. Spoiler alert: Ruth even finds a new husband and becomes an ancestor to Jesus! Ruth encounters God’s hesed and we can trace it back through the story.
I am inspired by Ruth and her flexibiltiy
Ruth’s willingness to obey Jesus, even when she couldn’t see the vision, led to living out God’s perfect plan for her. It led to her encountering God’s hesed. Obedience for Ruth was simple – one step at a time, going where the door opened, and ‘staying home’ when it didn’t.
‘I never want to be so in control of my life that I am inflexible to the perfect plan of God
Personally, 2020 has seen so many plans fail. I’ve had to give up all control but that has been beautiful. Looking back, I can see blessings, new relationships, memories and God’s hesed. I’ve learnt to stay put, I’ve learnt that my plan failing just means the better plan is being lived out.
2021 – Hesed
We are heading into a new year. For me, it seems trivial to do the usual setting goals, assuming that the arrival of 2021 will magically solve the world’s disasters; a bit of human common sense and willing can’t fix everything.
Of course, it’s still important to aspire to live better, but no matter what time of year, we can often expect to face the unexpected.
New year means new vision but again, if 2020 taught me anything, it was to surrender all my dreams and plans. As I look ahead, I’m about to finish a university semester, move house (currently I don’t even know where) and hopefully find a job. Yes I have dreams and thoughts about where God may be leading me, but I also have the humility to acknowledge that God’s plan may be in the unexpected. I have to be flexible to that.
Whatever your vision for 2021 is, may you know God’s continuing, everlasting hesed.
If your vision seems unpredictable or impossible, then pray for a flexible heart that’s willing to trust and rest in God’s hesed.
If you thought life was heading one way, yet suddenly are facing a U-turn or are in the middle of disaster, then may you know God’s unfailing hesed.
May you be encouraged to trust that God works all things for good. May you be flexible to surrender control and instead joyfully anticipate God’s hesed to be lavished upon you this year, just as Ruth did!
Mental health issues today seem to be as easy to catch as the common cold. We are living in this deeply sad reality of a broken world, where our even own minds cause us harm.
2020 in particular has seen a rise in the level of mental health related problems in people. Trials, uncertainty and pain take their toll.
‘I don’t think I can cope with much more’
Covid-19 is not going away any time soon. If that makes you feel a drowning sense of dread, then I’m sorry and I hope you know that you are probably not alone in feeling that. One year seems like too long. But we can look back to a time when a national trial lasted a lot longer, to find some encouragement…
WW2 lasted 6 years. As much as we can learn from this season, there was an exile that lasted 40. In the bible we read time and time again about the Israelites being freed from slavery in Egypt and walking for 40 years through a desert to reach their promised land. 40 years!
I certainly do not have the mental capacity to live in an unknown state of wandering dependancy for a year, never mind 40.
Spolier: they make it! However things aren’t perfect and the Israelites struggle time and time again. They get disheartened. They do bad things. They find themselves fighting wars. At one point, they end up exiled and by this point, they pretty much come to the conclusion that God isn’t good. They conclude that God has neglected them.
Life wasn’t wasn’t meant to be like this. We live in a broken world, where there is broken hope, broken bodies, and broken desires. So we struggle. But God is loving. He doesn’t promise that everything will be easy. But he does promise to be with us, to give us what we need to get through today, and to lead us in caring for our well-being.
God doesn’t neglect:
In this particular exile (midway through the book of Isaiah) it was easy to struggle mentally to the point at which the Israelites feel abandoned. The Israelites weren’t looking to God and had got lost in ‘broken desires,’ attempting to find satisfaction in other things, including other gods and cultural worship. When they walk through the exile, they assume that God just doesn’t love them anymore and instead is pointing the finger for their brokenness.
God doesn’t point the finger. Instead He leads them out of the exile, but firstly he speaks to them:
‘Do not fear, for I have redeemed you. I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.‘ Isaiah 43:1-2
God promises not a lack of trial, but his faithful presence amongst them all. He doesn’t neglect when fires, seas, wars, Covid or grief rise. That’s just not part of his character. God is a loyal friend and father, always with us, giving comfort. He is with you in your mental and emotional struggles today.
God speaks about well-being:
A bit later on in this season, God speaks again and this time it’s about well-being. He speaks about peace.
We could all use some peace – whether we are struggling mentally or not.
God reminds us that he created the whole earth. He is the creator, and we therefore are his creation; we are a subservient, dependent creation, existing in him. We are weak yet He is strong.
We come to God in our vulnerable, weak, struggling manner and God expects nothing more – He embraces that! Living in this dependency leads us to trust in God’s higher understanding and God promises to lead us: ‘I am the lord your God, who teaches you what is best for you and directs you in the way you should go.’ Isaiah 48:17
Wouldn’t we all love a personal life councillor, planner, advisor, and ‘parent’ to tell us what to do? To tell us what decisions to make? Well, in God, we can have just that!
If we come to God with our vulnerbility and mess, He embraces us and directs us. And then, if we actually follow as He leads and nudges us to make gradual good steps, then we can attain peace and good well-being! In fact, God tells the Israelites, ‘You didn’t do what I instructed you to do, or obey me. If you had, you could have had peace like a river and well-being like waves of the sea.’ (Isaiah 48:18 paraphrased)
God has not neglected you. If the water is up to your neck, God promises not to give you anything that you can’t overcome – it won’t come over your head. In it, He is with you and his loving presence will comfort you.
You won’t understand why you’re struggling and that’s ok. But God is inviting you to call out to him again, to rest in his loving arms, and to listen to his small voice leading you. He wishes to use people, things, and situations to gently lead you along the right path and to make the right decisions.
One day, this broken world will be renewed. But until then, God is the provider of good well-being. That doesn’t mean that you don’t seek practical help – God often uses people, medication, sleep, exercise, therapy to help his people. But it does mean that you know He hasn’t neglected you.
I hope this brings you some encouragement whatever struggles you’re facing.
You’re not alone. Try praying if you don’t already. God is love and He will lead you on a journey towards good well-being. The mental health issues won’t go away overnight but I promise that in the midst of them, you will grow to know a deep comfort and peace within as you battle with your mind.
If you’d like to chat, then fill in a contact form here. All is kept confidential. Unfortunately, anonymous responses can’t be replied to, but I will be thinking and praying for you.
The UK church has grown so greatly over the past few years. It has been my joy to see this and reflect upon what God is doing in our nation. Yet I have noticed a huge trend over the past year or so, in singing worship songs that speak against struggles, fear and hardship.
“I raise a hallelujah in the presence of my enemies.”
“This is how I fight my battles.”
“Jesus you make the darkness tremble.”
It is a beautiful thing when the church comes together to worship. Worship is a weapon and falling so deeply into the presence of God, where all fear is cast out, realigns us with God’s heart. We wage war with the words we believe as we sing. It is a powerful and wonderful thing that the church is acknowledging struggles and fears, bringing them to God and also declaring the our Mighty God has victory over them.
This idea of worshiping through a battle can be found in the ancient example of King David. It’s no new thing. However, when we look at King David, we may see how our attitudes to just soaking up on worship and ‘raising a hallelujah’ every week, to rid of our own fear and fuel a dream, is a very limited glimpse of reality!
David’s Architectural Calling
King David in the bible was a warrior, worshipper and also an architect. Before David, God’s presence was refined to a tent due to the Israelites (God’s people) constantly moving from place to place.
David however had this huge dream to build a permanent temple – the first ever temple! But this was no ordinary desire. David had a supernatural, crazy gifting to envision such a complex temple. He was able to understand and draw (in his mind) plans, elevations, and details to the most bespoke level. God gave him the ability to design this temple – He was periodically called to be an architect. (1 Chronicles 28:2&19)
Every architect has a dream design. The temple was David’s. All he lived for was to oversee the construction of his design.
Like Gaudi, David didn’t get to see the incredible temple. God told him that He had chosen his son Solomon instead to construct the building. Imagine having the biggest dream of yours taken away. Yet David’s response is not anger or disappointment.
David raises a hallelujah – he worships God for simply using him and he surrenders his desire to God’s will.
Wholehearted and willing
David hands all of his plans over to Solomon and he leaves him with some incredible advice. Our worshipping warrior, has just surrendered his dreams and then says: “have wholehearted devotion and a willing mind. Seek God, don’t forsake him.” (1 Chronicles 28:9)
Solomon was being called to a huge construction project that was to last years and involve hundreds of contractors. He was to be project manager – that’s a heavy task!
It required devotion of the heart: a heart that worships God always, but also the kind of heart that surrendered all dreams. Wholehearted devotion was about being fully satisfied in God, not in the dreams or success we are singing victory over. It also required a willing mind: a discipline of prayer where we share our thoughts and emotions with a God who cares for them.
Do the work – the REAL hallelujah
Finally, David instructs Solomon, “Be strong and courageous, and do the work.” (1 Chronicles 28:20)
We sing “I raise a hallelujah” and we fight our battles with God, equipped with courage from God. But we also do the work. We also have to persevere, project manage, work strange shifts and chase after people with love. We sing and fill ourselves with courage, but not just to feel good. No, we raise a hallelujah that says “God you satisfy my heart, I surrender my dreams, make be bold, so I can go and roll our your justice.”
Yes our weapon is a melody. Yes fear loses its hold on us because of God’s victory. But we also are each called to work and build God’s kingdom in some way. We are each required to look beyond ourselves and serve those around us whether by designing houses, supporting friends, being doctors, campaigning for social justice, striving to live plastic-free, combatting modern day slavery or blessing friends with mental health issues.
Whatever God puts before you.
- If like David, your dream just isn’t coming to fruition, or perhaps has been stripped during lockdown, then take heart. Surrender that desire and worship anyway – for we can not be satisfied by our dreams.
- Perhaps you have been stirred lately for an issue, or person, or calling. Whatever that is, be disciplined in prayer and give Jesus your wholehearted devotion.
- Maybe right now there is a mountain of stress on your desk, or a friend who just isn’t going away. Perhaps you ended up working crazy hours whilst everyone was furloughed. Whatever it is, trust that it’s your calling, sing your hallelujah, use worship as your weapon but most importantly, just keep doing the work. Persevere! You are doing incredibly and God will use it for his kingdom!
Who do you relate to most: David or Solomon? How do you need to respond, and what is the work set before you?
‘I’m proud of you.’
We all dream dreams. Each one of us is working towards a goal or ambition. All people require boldness and courage to see various dreams come to fruition. Often, the road to these dreams is a rocky trail path. Cue curiosity.
There is this vision/picture I’ve been living by for a couple of years now. It involves a pair of trainers, some narrow woodland trails and a huge mountain climb.
In the morning (metaphorically) I get down and lace up my shoes. With purpose and ambition I set out to run the day’s race. Not knowing where the path leads, my curiosity leads me through woodlands, over rocky paths, winding through tree covered areas or passing by streams of water. In some places the road gets uneven. At other points it’s muddy or I can’t really see where it is going. But one thing I know – I have to keep running.
As the day goes on the path opens up to wide green hills and pastures. The view lengthens and I can see more clearly but the terrain also increases in elevation. Yet my heart just wants to keep running and breathing – it’s what I’m made for. Every step although difficult is freeing and I know that I am made for running. Running up mountains.
As the sun begins to set, I reach the peak of the mountain. In the golden hour of the day I am met by God himself who embraces me in a Fatherly hug. There we stand, me in his loving arms, looking back over the path I followed. From up high on this mountain I can see every part of the path and where it was leading. I trace it with my eyes, remembering how unknown and unclear it felt. I stand blessed and thankful that in each of those moments, God was in it and saw me where I was.
Finally as the sun is seconds from disappearing, we stand and I worship my God. And as soon as the sun sets, my curiosity is revived.
‘Where next?’ I ask.
‘You’ll see tomorrow Eleanor. Just stay curious.’
This dream, picture or vision (whatever you wish to call it) has always been close to my heart. It has reminded me in unclear times to trust God. During tired days I have been encouraged by such promise. In the mountain top good moments, it has led me to worship God and be curious to learn more about who God is. In the rocky ankle-twisting times it has spurred me on to keep running and trusting, being curious to see what will come on the other side when I embrace God at the end of the day – if not in the moment.
Running is my favourite thing to do. I love how God uses this to encourage and speak to me. Quite literally, I ran my first half marathon today and the whole way I found challenges staring me down. But at every little corner there were friends and family cheering me on, reminding me to keep going. As I sprint finished I was met by my earthly Father who so selflessly gave up his weekend to cheer me on, hand me a warm jumper and feed me afterwards.
There was a time when I thought I was never going to run again. Yet looking back I know that season of injury was one for realigning and realising why I run – for Jesus, not to prove myself or to maintain a physical weight or health. That season was vital and stirred by my hope in God as well as curiosity to see how God was going to move in it.
Today I didn’t just fulfil a long awaited dream. I smashed my goal. I ran with Jesus. I was blessed by so many friends who stood out in the pouring rain to cheer me on. I saw God multiply my efforts and raise an incredible amount of money for charity. God did immeasurably more than all I could ever ask or imagine!
Yet it is not all of this that really hit my heart today. As I stand on the mountain with God tonight I am struck by these 5 words:
‘I am proud of you.’
Deep and profound, these words are not often spoken.
Last week an old BMS colleague visited and spoke these words when I filled him in on the trials of last year and how this year things are so much greater. Earlier in the week a work colleague randomly blessed me with the same words. This morning my cheerleader squad of girls spurted it out in Cafe Nero and on the race course for the whole world to hear.
Looking back, clearly God has been whispering. I never really let it sink in or even realised it until this evening. As I sat in church with Dad, Tim came over to introduce himself. Tim turned around, looked at my Dad, then turned to me and simply said, ‘well done, I am so proud of you.’
It finally dropped.
I am loved. I am seen. All the running (literal and metaphorical) has purpose but even if not, I am still God’s child and He will always embrace me. God loves all of his children and is proud of each one of us, wherever we are on our journey.
And so as I sat in an ice cream parlour with Dad tonight, having a traditional ‘last night on holiday’ ice cream, I counted my blessings. But mostly, I sat thankful for the journey. I remain thankful for God who has love for all of us.
In these days our world is shaking and everything is unknown. The path is rocky and not so clear. But we run anyway. We hope in God and we trust that at the end of everyday we can return to the embrace of God. We remain curious to wonder excitedly at just what exactly God will do with today’s events.
For He is able to do immeasurably more than all we can ask or imagine. He is faithful and He has loved us with an everlasting love. All those who look to him and trust in him can run the race, confident that we will see glory.
Stay curious. Enjoy the adventure. Know that He is so proud of you.
Growing up in a family of strong church leaders, I always knew I was born for a mission. I remember being 14 and beginning to really explore faith for myself, participating in local young people’s fellowships. Those days of discipling and growing with other incredible believers became such a foundation that I will forever look back on.
I recall sunday nights worshipping together. I cherished moments sat in candlelight, praying for Gods heart to fall. I still celebrate the ways in which we equipped one another and saw God bear fruit in our lives.
At 14 I discovered that church was not a service on a sunday. My church was a group of 14-18 year olds who did life together, played music and wrote songs together, or drove the stressed GCSE kids to mcdonalds after school together…
Jesus lived in community with his disciples. He encouraged them. He sacrificed himself for them. He became family and expressed his heart for his disciples. That was his mission.
I always thank God for those sweet years of faith building. I thank God for The Apple Tree, for Amy, Jordan, Alice, Mark S, Mark T, Chloe, Ruthie, Mat, Jessie, Steve and co… God captured our hearts and revealed the mystery of his character to us. And we saw fruit.
During my later school years God started to speak. He began to call me out. He spoke words about changing the world, being a female leader in the church, bringing light to those who didnt know him. As a group collectively we had a huge heart for mission and a huge heart for worship. They went hand in hand.
That Night Under the Net
And then God eventually called me to leave this family of hearts. I found myself stepping out into the unknown. God clearly spoke and told me to go and live in Guinea. I’ve already written about that season of my life but essentially, I found myself sat in my mosquito net fully surrendering and saying, ‘God I’ve left everything. I’ve come this far. I dont want to cave now. You are calling me to lead your church and I want to have the obedience to go.’
That was a powerful night. And a huge surrender.
Ever since then I have been mistakenly convinced. I came back convinced that God was calling me to leave the UK one day. I genuinely thought that I was only studying architecture to get a Visa and head overseas…
I’m not saying that God will never lead me out of the UK again. What I am saying is that actually, your annointing is not necessarily to be a white missionary or a vicar or a nice charity worker.
There is so much more.
I’ve grown up a pastor’s kid. I’m incredibly fortunate to have seen church leadership manifest in different forms. I’m so blessed to be surrounded by people who constantly affirm me and tell me I’d be great if I followed in my Dads footsteps one day.
I left home convinced I’d one day give up my day job and go into ‘ministry.’ Yet I couldn’t desire anything worse.
This year, moving to a brand new place I’ve learnt an incredible amount. God has gradually stripped me of things. He’s revealed new desires and new passions to.
Here and Now
Just this week, I found myself giving up plans. I always thought I was heading to a life on the ‘mission field.’ But when I met with a charity network about interning (it’s been my plan since I left Guinea) I realised that my heart wasnt in it. I just wasnt made for it.
This illustrates my point. All year long I’ve been wanting more ‘ministry’ or better gifting… The only thing I have discovered is that the here and now is a mission field.
Gods kingdom is so full. Heaven will see business, finance, architecture, art, music, childcare… people will write books and invent new software. Engineers will invent infrastructure and farmers will cultivate land.
In the same way, God is needed in every field. He has opened my eyes to see just how broken the uk is. My calling to change culture and change the world applies to this nation too and I stand convicted. My heart heavily cries out for those in the every day.
I dont work for the church. I’m not in a 3rd world country. I go to uni everyday, work on projects, eat lunch with friends, go home, cook, live alongside housemates, sleep… I live a pretty basic life. But in it, there is such blessing.
In all of it I live set apart, desiring to bring kingdom culture. I desire and pray to bring light and peace to those who need it. I desire to bless in the small and lead those around me to first of all understand the mystery of love hoping that one day they will encounter Jesus and be equipped themselves to bring heaven to earth.
If you asked me a year ago what my future looked like I would have halfheartedly mumbled about becoming a missionary. Now I much more excitedly declare that I dont know – but I do know that right now I’m here where I’m supposed to be.
My vision is to go back to that 14 year old community of worship, prayer and earnest seeking. To revive those young visions to change the world. And to step into that daily, adding to numbers as we do so. The apostles in the bible did just this. There was no ‘missionary or ‘ministry career.’ Just believers living together and being set apart – and god added to their number daily.
Live out faith where you are. Bring his kingdom in the everyday. God has called you to it.
They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe at the many wonders and signs performed by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.
Acts 2:42-47 NIV
His crazy love has stolen my heart.
God is so faithful. He is forever. He is our saviour.
He is also our most intimate soulmate.
I want to share part of my latest journey on here with you. I believe there are lessons to learn in every season. The latest season was a beautiful one and I hope it encourages you to know just how loved you are.
I moved back to university in July (two months early), really believing that God was calling me to make the city my home. In January when I felt this nudge I had no idea what that looked like and pushed it to the back of my mind. In May I was offered a two month placement in the city working for an architectural firm and instantly I knew this was it.
July comes and I find myself starting work, with nowhere to live. Amazingly, it turned out that a couple at church were away and needing a dog sitter to stay up until my current house contract started. Perfect!
Starting a new job is one thing. Fast forward a week though, and I soon discovered that moving house, starting a new job and living alone is a struggle. I’d wake up, go to work, come home, unpack stuff, attempt to understand the world of bills, cook some food… It was hectic!
However, in all of it God was there and He kept speaking, ‘Be Still,’ and, ‘my timing is perfect.’
Things just happened. Work got easier. Bills started to come through. The house and broken hoover eventually (the hoover took 2.5 months… ) got put straight. Church family shared meals with me. My own family came to visit. Housemates would visit and bless me.
But I had to give up control. I had to surrender routine. Each of these things came in unexpected ways or forced me to change plans. If I had a night in planned, suddenly someone would just turn up and be there. At times plans would be cancelled and I’d end up fitting in a long run or a movie instead.
The greatest struggle was yet to come.
Initially there was a buzz of activity. Family would come to drop off stuff, bills kept me occupied and my best friend Zara came back to do life with me. However this all faded away. I got settled. Routine settled in again. Zara had to go back home for a bit…
For the first time in my life I was living completely on my own. Hello 97% extrovert problems! I’d wake up, go to work, come home at 4:30 and just be on my own. At weekends there wasn’t really anyone to hang out with. What the heck was I going to do? Obviously I was spending time with God but man, I needed people.
I got so sick of being on my own. It just wasn’t fun. I wanted to laugh. I wanted to chat. I had no-one to hug me and ask me how my day went as I walked through the door. All I wanted was to have a huge dance party but there was no-one to do that with.
In this time I realised just how insecure I was. Suddenly I couldn’t run to people for a quick fix of happiness or love.
That’s when I realised. God doesn’t want me to be alone. But he does want to be my first love and he was using this time to show me the beautiful friendship that we could have.
I remember sitting on the floor in my empty five bedroom house, just waiting and saying, ‘God will you just come and show me how deep our relationship can be.’
Did I have some huge revelation or dream? Nope. Instead a crazy stupid annoying song that I’ve always hated came into my mind and would not leave. Eventually I felt the Holy Spirit just nudge me and say, ‘put it on and listen to it…’
It took me five times of listening to finally let go and just dance to it. I can’t even explain how freeing this is and I just erupted in laughter and joy at how ridiculous yet beautiful this crazy moment was.
I could have dance parties with Jesus.
The following month was incredible. I surrendered it all. I stopped trying to book in ‘social time’ and just spent time with Jesus: listening to love songs, reading scripture, cooking with him, talking out loud with him, making coffee together, telling jokes, laughing. I can’t quite explain it but it was such a time of deepened relationship with God. And he started to speak his love back to me too.
You have captured my heart, my sister, my bride; you have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your neck.
How delightful is your love, my sister, my bride. Your love is much better than wine, and the fragrance of your perfume than all spices.Song of Songs 4:9-10
Like a Bride and Groom
God wants to be my husband, my best friend, my brother and my true love. As I started to pursue him only and draw back to him, he started to draw people in and out of my life in perfect timing.
Friends spontaneously came to stay, money was provided to visit one of the Guinea Girls, relationships at work deepened, church family invited me for dinner… I made no plans but each day someone would just be right there at the right time.
In all of it I encountered such a deep, unchanging, intimate love. My heart was so complete and no longer searching for people to share it with. I was sharing it with Jesus. At the end of everyday I would go to bed so secure, held in the arms of his wonderful embrace.
Fast-forward: Chaotic Crazy Relational Love
Now everyone’s moved in. The house is full and so is my heart. University is under way and to be honest it’s all a little chaotic. But still God is there. As I surrender my routines, my heart and my time He is faithful in orchestrating it all. If we rest in his unfailing, rich, wide love, he will bring the chaos back into a perfect order.
God loves you so incredibly and we fall in love with him in new ways every day. Let him come and be your one true love.
This week I’ve hugged Jesus on the early morning bus ride, we’ve run along the river together, we’ve laughed through crazy amounts of studio work, we’ve cried together about issues in this world. Together we hung out with friends and danced our socks off to Taylor Swift at home with the girls. Other times we’ve been alone just the two of us.
God’s love is not just a Fatherly love. It’s a relational, all encompassing love that is better than life! Ask him to take you deeper – and enjoy the adventure of discovery!
Does anyone ever struggle to make all of their passions compatible? Perhaps, as if each of your interests or desires are buckets of water filling and about to overflow. You dash to one just in time, to pour it down the sink but suddenly realise another is about to go, reaching it just in time.
I have always had a ridiculous amount of hobbies or interests. In all of them I genuinely find happiness. I love to paint and find it a space for reflection. For hours I can sit and create a detailed portrait. Photography and blogging has a similar effect.
Running and cycling excites me. Playing my violin is a skill I’ve been honing since 7 years old. Studying architecture is enriching. Guitar sessions are a regular pass time. Languages are my forte.
An old friend once remarked about how I reminded her of Repunzel in the film Tangled. At the beginning of the film she sings, “When Will My Life Begin,” ungratefully reeling off all these activities she does, whilst feeling so disappointed and unsatisfied. I don’t really know how to react to that comment… Its was harsh – but true.
When you have such a diverse range of interests it’s incredibly difficult to juggle them. Sometimes it’s even overwhelming. As life goes on I find I have to prioritise and choose much more. I don’t really read books anymore, I haven’t spoken Spanish in two years and my violin has been in it’s case for two weeks. My heart genuinely feels a little crushed to admit that – have the 13 years of learning been a waste?
I have recently had time to get the paints out again but I know that this will have to pass soon and regardless, I don’t paint as much as I used to.
My life is literally so full. Full of friendships, hobbies, interests, travels, stresses, joys… But none of this satisfies. Every day I struggle to balance the desires of my heart with the tug of this world. I get distracted by other things or just simply don’t have time to fit everything in. And my human, crazy ‘Repunzel’ heart just keeps yearning for more temporary happiness or worth.
But that’s just it. Nothing in this world can satisfy. No amount of stuff will ever make me feel worthy. It doesn’t matter how much I do, I will never feel good enough. No matter how much I clutch onto, I will always feel wasted.
Except there is one place where I feel fulfilled. There is one thing that satisfies. There is one expression that I could pour out forever, without wishing to move or give a half-hearted attention to.
Jesus is my one true love. In Jesus I have found eternal joy, different to the quick spurts of happiness that I find in other stuff. In Jesus I can rest assured knowing that all things are an expression of praise, for He made me with all of my passions. In Jesus I know that nothing is wasted. Seasons come and go. What I did is still worthy and never wasted when I have to give it up.
In Jesus I have a hope and future. Whenever I feel like I’m being pulled out and stretched across about fifty different corners, there is an inexplainable peace. This peace reminds me that eternity is before me. It reminds me that I have all that I could ever need and that I have great significance.
Jesus will never run dry or disappoint.
Nothing lasts forever. We can’t store up earthly treasures. But we can store up treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy.
I was given two beautiful years of studying art and Spanish. I may not do either now, but it was wonderful in its time and Jesus will bring joy in other areas. Who’s to say there won’t be another season of this in the future?
When God grants time to sit and paint, I sing! And when I don’t quite manage to get out on that bike ride, I count my blessings and trust that Jesus gives only what is best – sometimes that is rest or a day in the office.
But in all things, I continue to take captive every thought and feeling that sets itself up against the true joy in Jesus, and demolish all arguments that say I am worthless or a waste or simply without. I turn to Jesus – the only one who can truly satisfy. And here I sit, filled with eternal joy.
Run to Jesus. Let him pull out each of your gifts and desires as He so chooses. Remain in him, the way, the truth and the life. He came so that we may have life and have it to the full.
There is so much goodness in this world.
With a thankful heart we can enjoy so much. With gratitude we can celebrate good news, new horizons and moments of laughter. We all want it – heaps of happiness.
Why is it that our instinct is to feel shame for the wealth that we have?
In recent years I have been incredibly fortunate to be in a wealthy situation both finacially and physically. So many abundant blessings are being poured out and I am so incredibly thankful. Yet, in all of this goodness, often sits a shameful lie telling me that I don’t deserve it; an awareness that others dont share the same wealth often leaves me feeling guilty.
When I hear and read about God’s goodness I cannot deny how abundant his blessings are. But I also have this idea that wealth and rich abundance is taboo.
When I was a teenager, the idea that living for God did not mean a high paid job or a perfect health or owning your own home was imprinted. Yes, we believe that living for God is not easy and what we do have we should share and not store up. However, I really cannot support this idea that denying ourselves of goodness is biblically healthy.
This year I have discovered how much I live under the shame blanket of ‘I dont deserve it.’ I wanted to honour God in my budgeting, my serving and my health. I fell far from this and found I was actually just denying myself.
I remember my family coming to visit me in February and my Dad just showered me with goodness. He took me for dinner, drove me around places, fixed my bike, bought me all the essentials I’d not bought in so long. When I did a food shop, my mum filled my basket way more than I usually did… They spent time with me and cared for me like a child.
When they left, I suddenly became so overwhelmed by just how abundantly they had loved. There was this small and still voice that said, “let me love you unconditionally and shower my goodness over you just like your earthly father does.” God used my parents to speak the truth – I was to live freely under God’s blessings and provision.
The story behind Japan
If you have been following me on Instagram, you will know that I have been in Japan. Again, this is another moment of realising just how good God is.
Back in December I returned home after a long first semester. I had this dream to travel somewhere in the Summer and an application for a travel bursary was made available to me. The likeliness of winning this bursary is pretty low – only 2 are given out.
Applying on a complete whim, the application was a chance to simply research another country. Soon I was falling in love with Japan and had to completely surrender this dream. I prayed, ‘Lord if you want to send me to Japan, then may this bursary be won. But if not, then I thank you for all the travel I’ve already done and for the summer plans you have for me instead.”
2 months later I’d completely forgotten about it all… The day after my parents left in February, I opened an email that told me I’d been one of the two winners. What?!
After the initial excitement, all this anxiety and shame hit. A) I had to travel to Japan alone, B) I really didn’t deserve it and it just didn’t seem fair that others couldn’t share in the same goodness.
If that wasn’t abundant enough, later that week my parents also told me that they were planning to take me and my brothers to Canada. Now come on – this is too much! I was so guilty that I actually put my foot down and said no to going to Canada. I was hands down ready to deny myself that trip even though my Dad and I had always dreamed of going there together.
All of this is just crazy. All of this is wealth. All of this is God’s provision.
Stubbornness and truth
I have spent months refusing to accept that God actually just wants to give these blessings to me. Two days before I left for Japan I was sat reading my bible and suddenly God just really spoke to me. He reminded me of the words he’d spoken in February. Again there was his voice that just said, “this next season is for you to enjoy. My grace is abundant and my goodness is for you – just flipping accept it!!”
Refusing to accept it and making wealth a taboo topic is not living out the grace that we profess. I’m not saying we should idolise wealth or store it up. But, when we are in a position of wealth (financially, emotionally, physically…) we should use that to worship God. We should share our wealth with others, but also not deny ourselves or give all of it away. When God blesses us abundantly this is to be accepted with humility and thankfulness, not boasting and bragging in ourselves and what we have, but boasting in God’s crazily abundant and unconditional blessings.
Nourished in gracious goodness
We can only live a nourished life if we ourselves are nourished in God’s goodness. Timothy was instructed by Paul to reject the false teaching that called the church to deny themselves goodness.
“They forbid people to marry and order them to abstain from certain foods, which God created to be received with thanksgiving by those who believe and who know the truth. For everything God created is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving, because it is consecrated by the word of God and prayer. If you point these things out to the brothers and sisters, you will be a good minister of Christ Jesus, nourished on the truths of the faith and of the good teaching that you have followed.
1 Timothy 4:3-6 NIV
Behind the scenes, this year has been incredibly hard. Yet parallel to the struggle have been so many abundant and miraculous blessings both small and large. All of this must be received – the good as well as the bad. And in all of it I continually choose to praise God who is able to do immeasurably more than we could ever ask or imagine.
God’s goodness is so rich. Recieve it.