‘I feel like I’m falling behind,’ and ‘I’m not where I expected to be.’
Do you ever think that? Ever find yourself trying to swallow it as a friend catches you to ask, ‘how life is going?’ If so, welcome to the club.
Meeting and dealing with unmet plans, expectations and wants is a normal, every-day reality for everyone. Even when our lives are rich, joyful and ‘everything we want them to be,’ we can still find ourselves wondering why something else didn’t go to plan. Why hasn’t one thing materialised? Why is the grass greener on the other side ? Will I ever make it?
‘Real life,’ beyond the online blog world (which I have very much neglected over the past few years as I focus on other things) has been jam-packed with big moments. One of which, has been the exodus from studying.
The architecture post-grad finally made it out. I stuck out the 6-year slog and landed a good job in the city.
Golden Tickets
Besides lots of other fun and adventure, the accomplishment of finishing studies was a pivotal moment for me. A new job was not just the dream role and set of projects, but also a ‘golden ticket’ to my hopes find housing (again), and settle in a place for longer than 18 months. It has been a key to new creative doors and opened opportunities in other areas of life to. I often catch myself in the realisation of just how good and unexpected this all was, and is. It was both worked hard-as-heck for, and also a miracle story for another time.
Challenge & uncomfortable expectations:
However, there is also another reality. Starting a new job is always a challenge. I graduated at 25, proud and pleased yet aware that everybody else I began university with, was well into their second or third year as a professional. My ‘baby’ brother got engaged the same week I handed in a thesis. I attended three weddings either side of interviews and portfolio exhibitions. I was celebrating having time for fun and adventure whilst others around me were choosing to buy houses and ‘settle down.’ My friend had a baby last week, and I have a new Garmin watch…
I guess I always knew that choosing a career so difficult, with such a long process of study (I’ve still got 2+ years to work before I ‘qualify’), would mean I got to other ‘norms’ a little later. But I also didn’t quite expect to get here, and feel so torn between contentment and discontent. I swing from ‘my life is so full and look at all the adventures I’m having,’ to, ‘my life looks nothing like my 18 year old life plan and I’m not sure how to feel about it.’
Not only did I feel like I had fallen behind, but I found myself envying those who hadn’t had to overwork their brain for 7 years, just to just land an ‘entry level’ position. I felt lonely once I suddenly had evenings and weekends free, and in that transitional (thankfully resolved) time, became bitter of friends in relationships by assuming that they had life easy – not the case. I could go on, but that would be oversharing and unnecessary.
The point is, we all have great joys. We are all on unique journeys. I chose mine. I genuinely am thankful and joyful. But at the same time, I also have faced challenges and surprises along the way. Our expectations only get us so far, and it’s so easy to spiral into comparison when we face the discomfort of things not always working out as we imagined before we hit our 20’s and 30’s.
The Merry-Go-Round
I read a beautiful book earlier this year, which beautifully puts this reality into words. Michiko Aoyama in ‘What you are looking for in the Library’ calls it the Merry-Go-Round of life:
“With a chuckle she smiled at me. ‘It’s a very common condition,’ she said with apparent relish. ‘Singles are envious of those who are married, and married couples envy those with children, but people with children are envious of singles. Its an endless merry-go-round. But isn’t that the funny thing? That each person should be chasing the tail of the person in front of them, when no one is coming first or last. In other words, when it comes to happiness, nothing is better or worse – there is no definitive state.”
We all have ideas about how our life should be, or what we should have or have accomplished by now: relationships, careers, finances, family, or emotional health and happiness. We will always, as humans, have a tendency to grumble or think that somebody else has a fuller, richer life. The grass is always greener. The endless merry-go-round.
We chase tails and it steals the joy from our present moment. As said, ‘comparison is the thief of joy.’ I’ve got that t-shirt, in about five different colours – oops!
But hear this: we are not defined by our life plan, or desires and wants. Happiness doesn’t depend on that. We have a choice to settle into joy. *
Settle into Joy
How do we settle into joy? I’m sharing two practical points today that I have found and journeyed into over the past year or so. I hope this can be encouraging and a good conversation starter for you, where you are.
- Choose the ‘do have.’
Confronting unexpected realities could be fearful or daunting. I have found the power of gratitude, helps to swallow the ‘don’t haves.’ Whether in the car, swimming lanes at the pool, or on the post-its taped to my bedside table, I choose to notice the post-it happiness: sunshine; a free plant pot; my job; a wonderful housemate; a good home; health; dinner with a friend…
Thankfulness helps me to see all the good things I have, in place of a spiralling comparison. Scientifically, thankfulness rewires our brain. Choosing gratefulness reminds me that even whilst I am not where I expected to be in my 20’s, and have things in my life I’d like to change, I am still living in goodness. I can notice what makes me joyful, and often realise how wealthy I am.
Gratitude also often reminds me that I am not the author of my life (a faith based truth, but hopefully still helpful for those not of a faith). Most of the things I end up noting as ‘do haves,’ are things I did not make for myself, but appeared in beautiful, unexpected ways or were given by great friends. It can be freeing to rest in that happiness! Simply listing our cause for gratefulness shapes a hope that the future will also bring new joy and possibility on its own, as we rest into evolving 20’s and 30’s seasons.
2. Let the discontent exist, and guide you to better change or happy surprises.
We will never have a perfect life. We were never promised a life without failure or wants. Discontentment, sadness, and all the other emotions will exist. I have learnt to reframe my view of these. To accept them as helpful pointers that when acknowledged, help us to work out what we are needing, lacking or wanting, in order that we may then go and practically seek that.
I have spent the past year officially ‘offline’ from writing, in order to explore and face some of my biggest discontents in the private pages of my journal. The biggest thing I’ve learnt, and probably the only note relevant, is that in failed pursuits or mis-matched expectations, we learn to let go. When we let go, we settle into life. We free ourselves to enjoy it.
Sometimes we let go of a friendship, and realise it’s time to invite ourselves to another dinner table. Perhaps, we let go of another flatshare and position ourselves in limbo, where in the chaos, we’ll be met by unexpected offers to rooms and sofas – even random respite with whisky-drinking, community-loving, inspiring women (thanks Bethany). Maybe, we let go of our loneliness and choose to say, ‘I need someone to talk to in the morning,’ thus stepping into a new depth of relational living. I had to let go of my life plan to race to qualify as an Architect and accept that pressing pause on progression is the key to a hallway of goodness – even though it means a few other closed doors for now.
I can’t write these things without also acknowledging bigger, more painful things some may be facing. Sometimes life throws huge hurdles, that stunt us in the realisation of how short or bittersweet life can be. There will be moments in life that hit us with a, ‘I never thought it would be this hard,’ as we lose control or watch as somebody else gets the exact ‘dream come true’ that we keep holding out for. I’m sorry. But I hope that someday, you will also look back and see all the beautiful things that came out the other end. I also hope that in the holding out, you can turn your eyes to find the simple little moments of joy and pay attention to the inner thoughts and feelings. May they encourage you to ask for help, make a change or simply swim the next length of your lane.
Aoyama later in her book quotes:
“Life is one revelation after another. They don’t always go to plan, no matter what your circumstances. But the flip side is all the unexpected, wonderful things that you could never have imagined happening.”
I am incredibly fortunate to say that most of my failed plans or ‘falling shorts’ have been relatively trivial. Yet even in the slightly bigger pulls of ‘I’m getting left behind,’ or, ‘please, not another failed housing situation…’, choosing to acknowledge all that ‘I do have,’ and letting go of the things beyond my control, has helped me to find contentment.
Contentment
As I said to my parents earlier this year: “I genuinely am happy just as I am.” I am happy where I am. I’m not rushing away to buy a property or settle down or ‘catch up.’ Yes sometimes, I feel a little left out of the wedding parties and fancy working life holidays, but I know I’m exactly where I am meant to be. I know that I am excited and pleased with all that I have experienced and I also know that my friends see me and celebrate me for who I am. They sit a little ‘ahead’ in some ways, yet in other areas meet me at mile 10 for a fun lap of the park. That’s life. There will always be good, and always be somewhere or something else to ‘be,’ or ‘have.’ But my lot is good for today and tomorrow we journey to enjoy the next.
We all face unmet expectations. We all get hit with discontentment. None of us probably ever feel like we’ve ‘made it,’ or ‘found it.’ We are all on the merry go round of life – not just our 20’s and 30’s! But I hope you know that it’s no isolated struggle, and that as we choose gratitude, we can learn to both make little changes towards meeting those needs or desires whilst holding onto hope when those some-things are completely out of our control.
What are your grateful ‘Do Haves?’ Where do you feel like life falls short? What can you do or what need may you identity to help you find happiness anyway? Comment them below and let’s get chatting!
With love and (hopefully) wisdom,
Eleanor
All photographs taken by and copyrighted to Eleanor Hyde
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* I believe and have experienced that true ‘fullness of life,’ and happiness are found from God, in a relationship with Jesus. That ripples outwards to practical things and ways of living, connected to others and actively making healthy lifestyle choices as I know a creator God who made me and loves me. This post is not an explicit ‘faith post’ and aims to be a conversational starter for those of all faith. But, if you are interested in knowing more about this, get in touch or visit the ‘Faith’ pages.
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