‘What the heck?!’ seems to be my calling motto these days…
God is really calling me to step up.
My heart is so convicted to love Jesus with all that I have, and then to love Him more. There is this song in my heart that just utterly craves to glorify Jesus and praise him because He is the most worthy in the whole wide world. He is my Lord and He is the true King of Kings.
Moving to Bath, I had this drive to be independent and to live a Jesus centred life. So quickly, I found myself planted in a loving church family and I began to make brilliant friends. However I never could imagine what I saw around me…
Within weeks I had flatmates spilling their deepest insecurities, course friends calling in the middle of family crises, people in need of a parental love during the unwavering anxiety that comes with leaving home for the first time. In all of this I felt completely out of my depth yet something inside of me just kept striving to be there.
I felt the injustice. I struggled with the same anxiety. I even felt homesick even though living 6 hours away for 11 weeks was nothing compared to 6 months on another continent. It was so hard to make sense of all of this and I just kept running to God and asking, “what the heck are you doing here, and how do you want me to help?!”
What the heck?!
I still don’t really know what I’ve done but I know what I feel.
Joining such a brilliant church has been a great foundation. I’ve journeyed in really getting to grips with how much God loves me. I found myself readdressing my idea of “serving to earn God’s love,” realising that actually there is nothing I can do to make God love me any more. Church members have taken me in and shown me such deep parental love, reflecting how great God’s love is for me!
It’s through this that God reassured me with his love that compels me to be there for those around me. He has called me to be a light in the darkness.
It’s been really tough and I don’t have the slightest clue what I’m doing. There has been no clear “do this” or “do that.”
Jack of All Trades
To be honest, back in October I would have called myself a ‘Jack of all trades.’ Seriously, what else could I say? I have way too many hobbies and interests to ever condense into a sentence and this made navigating university so difficult. How could I join 500 societies, do 3 sports, create music, blog, make art, socialise, serve in church…
I felt such a pressure to find my feet and work out exactly who I was meant to be; I was dabbling in little bits of everything and didn’t feel very good at any one thing. Simply, a jack of all trades. I stopped saying yes to things out of fear of failing, or not having enough time.
God really convicted me about this. As time went on, He began to speak to me about being vulnerable. I was really struggling, trying to be Jesus in the dark situations of those around me whilst also trying to work out what exactly I was meant to be…
Exploring the part I play in my new church is important to me because it has been a place where I fully feel at home. It’s sort of been a refuge from the mission field that I call my campus-flat. I decided to ask for guidance and through some prayer and 1 to 1’s things, started to really come together.
The Swiss Army Knife
By no means am I a jack of all trades. That is such a huge, fat lie! I have way too many interests and talents but that is no random mistake. I was created by a loving father who has chosen the gifts so intricately and has purpose for me in all things.
Now, I see myself as a Swiss army knife: there are so many different tools that can be pulled out and used. Some are used more often than others and there’s always those few, weird looking tools that we all think, “what the heck is that for?!” It would be really useful if they had a name and instruction printed on them don’t you think?!
Anyway, the thing is that God made me to be so diverse and that I shouldn’t be folding all of my gifts up and in on themselves. Yet simultaneously, I shouldn’t put pressure on myself to use them all or know what to say yes / no too. I am the Swiss army knife, but he is the one who will use me and pull out all of the right tools at the right time.
Looking back, in the moment I didn’t have a clue what I was doing, how I was helping or what God’s purposes were. But, I can see that even in my feelings of inadequacy and my shear moments of crippling anxiety last term, He brought hope to so many. I didn’t understand what He was doing then but now I see how God has started to change lives.
What the heck am I doing now?
I still don’t really know what I’m doing half of the time. God has really been speaking to me about stepping up in my new church into some kind of leadership… What?!!!!! Whilst Tim (our vicar) won’t let me forget this calling, I really don’t understand what exactly I’m meant to be doing. I can’t picture what this ‘leadership’ looks like. Nor do I feel like I’m really good enough.
But, I do know that my heart feels so incredibly convicted to give God my everything.
God really wants to put a new song in my heart. He really cares for me and I believe that he really has plans for me. I don’t know what this looks like but I want the radical obedience to say yes to him. Recently I’ve even felt this strong urge to actually stay in Bath over Summer and make this my home – no idea why! I’m still carefully thinking about the latter and not even sure I’ll have a place to live but I’m so eager to see how God directs me to live out his plans.
Mostly, I just find myself falling in love with Jesus every single day. His grace is unfailing. His mercies are new every day. He is my one true love and I want to share this hope to all of those around me.
Keep loving him, and being obedient in your current situations. What are you learning in this season?