A journal entry from 9.1.16 – something I reserved for a gracious day like today.
Consumed. I’m so consumed. Consumed in the self-controlling, future-planning craze of heart. It’s as if this week, my heart’s been won. Won by the world’s idea of a wonderful life and deprived from the truth. I’ve had to fight exam pressure, make to-do lists, and strive towards new year’s resolutions…
I’m floating around, in this little foolish head of mine; the one that so easily forgets the importance of looking to the creator of all things. And the result? I’m dwelling on disappointment. Dwelling upon the frustration that comes with not performing as well as I’d hoped – as well as I have previously. Not to mention the impatience that comes with future university plans…
Today I’m living, almost as if I’m still waiting for life to start… Everyday brings a new addition to my future plan – I think I’m onto age 35 already and it’s not slowing down. My heart is displaced, looking to the future yet searching for a present moment. I’m forgetting the here and now.
The thing is, my life will never go to plan – nor will it ever go perfectly. In fact, the only thing that dreaming does, is convert your heart to the pursuit of self-glory. Where does this lead? It leads away from everything that I’ve built my life upon. I’m not saying we shouldn’t have desires, or look forward to things, but ultimately, place these in God’s hands rather than our own.
Foundations are vital – and they are to be in truth. Our lives are completely out of our own hands. I’m no more important than anyone else. Our lives are most likely to appear to be ordinary for at least 90% of the time. Truth means accepting this – and being excited anyway!
I’m still trying to get my head around this whole thing – again another thing that sends an initial wave of disappointment through my blood.
But I guess that’s it, right? God is the invisible God. A mystery. We will never understand everything and we will never be sin free. God sent Christ anyway! He sent him into the world, to reveal little bits of the mystery to us. And to make us holy through the cross.
God is faithful and God is good – always! So why do I feel so mid-air, half-empty? Because I’ve taken my eyes off the prize. I’ve forgotten what it means to truly live – to root myself in love, be thankful and trust my saviour…
I’ll never understand. I’ll never accomplish what I think needs to be accomplished. I’ll never see my dreams come true, which yes may kind of suck… But to know that my God knows my heart, and is going to fulfil things that I would have dreamt of, if I had known what He knows, is so much greater.
Christ allows grace to sink in, declares me as good enough and changes my heart to love the life that He’s given me, and will continue to grow. Living for God isn’t easy, nor is giving Him everything. But His love gives life to the full, and His spirit within me gives life to the full – and says yes to the immeasurably more of today.
Lord have mercy on me, a sinner – I love you, and wish to know you more today. You are doing immeasurably more than I could ever imagine. May my heart look towards this, and to where you have placed me, right now today.